There I was, minding my own business at the Google party after the third day of the 2007 Linux Conference Australia, sitting at a table by myself when I hear a voice say "Do you mind if we sit here?"
I look up and see Linus there with his wife Tove and reply "No worries, go right ahead."
What followed was some awkward silence, interspersed by the occasional exchange in Finnish between Linus and Tove. I valiantly attempted a conversation.
"Have you been doing much kernel maintenance lately?" (It sounded bad as soon as I uttered it)
"Oh no, not much. I try to leave that to others."
Try again "Will you be giving many lectures while you are here?"
His reply "Just my introduction to Andrew Tanenbaum's keynote address tomorrow. I really hate public speaking, I only do it when I have to."
I figured I may as well dive into the specific issues I had with Linux at the time.
"So, how do you feel Linux is going to handle enterprise deployment issues?"
Linus seemed genuinely surprised, as though he didn't understand the question - or simply the need for it. I tried to elaborate.
"The problem I have with convincing clients to use Linux is the lack of enterprise tools available - the ability to image workstations and servers, manage desktops, deploy applications and printers etc."
Linus scoffed at these requirements, but I pushed on "These things are the reasons why Linux has over 50% of the web server marker, but less than a 1% penetration into the corporate desktop."
Linus' answer was that if there was really a demand these tools, then there would be open source projects for them.
To me, that was cart before the horse stuff and I said so. Also the lack of a reliable network file sharing protocol (nfs is not up to snuff and neither is samba) to which he asked "Well, what do you use?"
"NCP - Netware Core Protocol" I replied.
"Netware!? That's a dead operating system. No one uses it anymore."
"That's not true, all of my clients use it. The Queensland Gov't uses it. In fact, the larger the organisation, the more likely they are to use it. It's strength is its scalability - which is far superior to Windows and currently lacking in Linux."
"When was the last time you installed a new Netware server?" He scoffed.
"This month: Two installations in fact. But anyway, NCP and eDirectory run on either Netware or SLES."
At that point he asked if I worked for Novell and when I said no, he still checked my conference badge. Once he confirmed I wasn't one of the Novell apparatchik he proceeded to rip on Netware and Novell in general. He had a couple of good points that I (and just about every other Netware engineer) agreed with - such as the increasing problem of driver support for closed source operating systems.
However, then it turned kinda personal - almost pityingly personal actually. In the world according to Linus: I was a dinosaur, a relic of a bygone era reminiscent of the last telegraph operator or a septuagenarian steam train driver.
This wasn't at all what I expected. I'd hoped for a robust discussion; some thoughtful insights and maybe the occasional "Hmmm, interesting point." Instead my treasured discussion points may as well have been heretically nailed to a church door in the presence of Tomas de Torquemada. I think I would have had a fairer hearing.
I excused myself and tried to enjoy the party that Google threw for us geeks before Linus could burn me any further. I found it difficult to enjoy the festivities and left early for my conference domicile and pondered the conversation before I went to sleep. This is always a bad idea for me as I tend have strange dreams - really strange dreams that would delight any Jungian psychotherapist. Tonight was not going to be an exception.
I found myself at the Battle of Zama as Hannibal commanding the Carthaginian Army against the Roman forces under Scipio Africanus. I know this battle well and deeply despaired. Historically, this was Hannibal's last battle and a major victory for Scipio. I looked at the Carthaginian Army and noticed they were all wearing red with the Novell logo. I rode forward to parlay with Scipio who was bearing the banner of a penguin. When Scipio removed his helm - there was Linus' face staring back at me with that same pitying smile he gave me at the party.
"We seek terms for surrender." I said
"There will be no surrender. After today Carthage will be only a memory." He replied without changing his facial expression. Linus replaced his helm and we both reformed the lines.
"Your orders?" asked my trusted aide. I thought for a while before replying.
"Take out your sword and cut off my head."
And then without any hesitation, he complied.
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